Keep God First, Grow in Dependency and Desperation

2. I hope to keep God first and grow in dependency on Him and in desperation for Him.

so number two on my list was that i wanted to keep God first. I also wanted to grow in dependency on Him and to grow in desperation for Him. I guess i should talk a bit about what i meant about these things because they seem pretty similar. And i think i was even a bit confused when i was writing this letter but after coming back from my trip, I believe that God made me write these things down for a reason.

I wanted to keep God first. One of the passages that I ended up sharing with a lot of the college students on summer project was Matthew 6:25-34. One reason that i shared it was because it applied to a lot of the students there. They were so worked up about school work that it was all that they had. They rarely did extracurriculars or other things. The goal was to get through school. I’m seen as a pretty laid back guy and sometimes i like to thing that because I’m so laid back, i have more time in my life to spend with God. But one thing that is wrong with me is that i feel accomplished sometimes just doing things for God. I spend so much time doing all these activities, leading this, talking about that, organizing this, and looking important, that I take time away from God. I spend so much time doing things that are good, but I think it can replace my time WITH GOD. I needed to go back to the roots, and obey Jesus’ command in vs33, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I needed to trust in His promise to me that if i seek his kingdom and righteousness, this relationship with God, that he will take care of me.

Grow in dependency on Him. This was where i screwed up big time on summer project. We were told to try to meet around 30 people in the first week we were there. I never got to do that but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I would spend all my time thinking about these whacky strategies and ideas on how to meet people. Granted, planning is not bad, but I spent a lot of time on it. And I would maybe even obsess over it. I ended up using up all my time trying to meet people that I didn’t even take any time to pray for the people that I wanted to meet. I didn’t pray for God to open up opportunities for me to meet people, I took it upon myself. I didn’t trust in God every single step of the way to guide me and take care of me. I forgot that prayer was the most important weapon that I had in that place. It was like going to class naked, I was embarrassed when I realized it.

God taught me a lesson. I ran on my own energy and I tired out. I wrote in my journal that not only was a tired during even the first few days but that I was even feeling a bit down. I ran out of my own energy. The other guys on my team were coming back and telling me about how much progress they made in just a few days and I was honestly jealous and a bit discouraged. I wrote down that i couldn’t find time to do my devotions but looking back on it, I lied. It was that i didnt make time to do my devotions, to journal, to read books.

The next day I woke up for classes and I didn’t even want to show up because I was just to tired and bummed out. But I pushed myself and went. In class I noticed that I had these bumps all over my arms, and realized I had hives. I just got so frustrated with myself and fed up. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was tired, sad, mad, had to go to class, and now had hives. I just stopped and started praying in class. I asked God for His help in a very physical way and to reveal and show Himself to me in the day. After i finished praying, I felt a bit more relieved and better. And amazingly, by the time the class ended, the hive reaction was almost gone! This was totally God coming down and showing Himself to me in a very physical way. I was so amazed and when I showed my teammate who sat next to me in class, she was amazed too. It sounds crazy, but it’s true, she saw it herself. I’ve never had hives disappear so quickly before. I felt re-energized and realized that I needed to depend on Him. From then on, I spent so much of my time praying during the day. I prayed as I did everything. I would pray for the person that I would be going to meet up with on the way there, I would pray for them while I was meeting with them, and I would pray for them again as I left. It was only through this constant relationship with God and depending on Him for my energy and strength that I was able to survive through summer project.

Grow in desperation for Him. We were in a position for a month were we could not say the words “God” or “Jesus” or “Church” or anything of that matter that would draw attention to us. We could not attend a church, because they were government run, fearing once again attention of a group of international student attending church together. We could not even go to, see or acknowledge that there were other believers on campus. We had to live as if we ourselves, were the only Christians we knew. We didn’t even want people to know that we came with other believers, so we could only say we knew someone who was in our class. Cut off all connections. It was really hard for the first week or so because we didn’t have anyone to spoon feed us the word. We didn’t have anyone we could go to for help, we only had our team leaders, who were no less than amazing though. But I felt cut off and alone in a sense. We are so blessed here in the states were people speak so freely. People say God’s name in vain here so freely whereas when I was there, I just wanted to hear someone say it no matter the context. We have churches and fellowships that we can go to and we treat it like nothing. It’s just a thing that we attend. We don’t understand how blessed we truly are. We lived in hiding over there and without a desperation for God, I personally would not have survived.

There were no churches or fellowships that we could attend there where people could spoon feed us the word. There was no one telling us to pray to God because we should. We needed to be in desperation for Him or else we would not have been able to survive. Through a desperation for Him I was able to strive to read and meditate on His word, I wanted it, desired it, craved for it because it was the only thing I was able to live on there. I needed to talk to Him because I had no one I could go to with my cries of help. Only He could answer me and I was desperate for His voice.

After coming back. After coming back, I was spoiled again, I had church every weekend that I could go to, I could go to fellowships, read books freely, but I didnt desire it or feel the need for it as I did over the summer. I became spoiled. I hope to go back to that stage for every day of my life, because that was when I felt closest to Him, whereas people would think I would be the farthest away from Him. I pray that this campus and the body of believers here at Cornell will be able to crave with me and cry out for our God.

For His Glory,

Will Poon